This is my confessional, right? I'm the pinnacle example of sinners dying daily and saved by grace.
Okay, so it is. Then I must confess that I have something deeper than a "like" for white men. I don't want to say it's an obsession--not at all in all other aspects, but it's pretty damn close to some sexual addiction to them (some of them). Now, I am going to try to figure out why -- but first, let me come to terms why I think I struggle a bit with it.
I am a Black woman. I love anything and everything about my people, culture, and history. I am outspoken on any issues regarding race and African Americans. Furthermore, I dislike those so-called Black women IR proponents who encourage it for the sole reason of disliking/discounting Black men. Ideally, I think if you like something or someone, you should like it because you like it—not in reaction or retaliation to something. I feel like a lot of these Black women IR bloggers are 'uplifting or pushing White men' because they had negative experiences with Black men. A lot of them DON'T do that, but good amounts do. Also, I think it's silly that some paint white men as 'saviors' or box them as all rainbows and lollipops—they can equally be assholes too—like all men. Yet, something is wrong with me I think. I know in my mind I'm an equal opportunity dater and doer; AND I do find men from all races attractive....BUT.... I cannot get enough white d*ck..I think...
This is where it gets even more complicated—so I'll date anyone race wise, and in person on the street I definitely find Black men attractive, but if I were to put up some casual encounters ad, I almost 98% of the time would request a white guy. Meaning, I for some reason,I think I will only casually have sex with white men. For some reason, I can't meet Black men via the internet—they just aren't as attractive to me online. I'm really trying to figure this out ya'll. I know someone will come down on me and say self-hate and all sorts of BS—but it truly isn't that. I know that for sure, and ruled it out. I think I'm stuck in some odd recurring fantasy stemming from stereotypes of WHITE men.
Let me break it down: You know how some black females don't really find white men attractive (at least the ones I grew up with) and it's for reasons like, "Oh they aren't masculine enough, or they can't handle all this, or I'm pretty sure it's small… or ewww, it's pink." It was basically things that downplayed White men and cast them in the shadows of not being 'good enough or man enough to handle Black women'. For some reason, I think that's the allure that fuels my sexual desire for them. So when I get some white man that knows how to HANDLE all of this, or rather THINKS he can handle all this and meet the challenge---that gets me going, especially when he knows those stereotypes of White men not being able to satisfy a Black woman. But, that could also be in general what a lot of women find attractive in men; that dominance and knowledge of knowing what to do. Furthermore, I think another factor is me being a thick black girl. We all have this notion in our head that white men only want to go after those waif-thin, slender, minimal curves type women. Some of it's true, and some of it isn't. I get off and LOVE seeing examples contrary to that notion---i.e. White men loving my thick self—simply because in my sick mind it's like, "Uhmm yes. He loves ALL o' this AND some junk in the trunk, ok?" He clearly is a rebel going against what society tells him he SHOULD like and be attracted to.
Perhaps that's it-- perhaps I LIKE the whole notion of going against convention. You see that white women are supposed to be desired by everyone ( or so that's what the media will tell you)-- the white woman is social/erotic capital-- you have her on your arm (in some people's minds) that is gold--that is your ticket you arrived. It's fucked up, but a reality for a lot. So if you have someone going with the 'opposite' or the ones at the perceived bottom of the totem pole, i.e. Black women, that is......that is someone saying f*ck what others think..this is what I like and find sexy... and THAT my friends.. is sexy.
Now it must be noted that I do not f*ck with white men who only like black women on the DL. That is an instant, and I mean INSTANT turn off. I rather go d*ckless and distraught then find some white men that only f*cks with Black women but doesn't see them as good enough to date or marry. There's ways of sniffing those types out. I'm even cautious with ones who tell me they've never been with a Black woman before. So on the other hand; I'm paranoid about White men too. I like em', like em, like em'---but then I'm so paranoid and skeptical about their intentions towards Black women and their attraction at times. The same goes with men and thick women (but I'll talk about that later).
So, it's a paradox. Here I am, this almost 'sista soulja/afrocentric o'fay d*ck lover'--- the irony and hypocrisy, right? What can I say? I'm a so wonderfully f*cked up human who drowns in this American process of racial socialization. But, it's not that I'm socially/racially aware and like white men. That's not weird, odd, or contradictory—I know plenty of other Black women like that. Those that fight for social justice and are conscious AND married to white men. No—I'm like a social Justice fighter, conscious, AND a slave to the white d*ck, and I'm a bit ashamed of it. Why is it I can only anonymously or casually f*ck white men, and hardly do that with non-white men, or better yet—black men? I don't know.. I don't know..
So—Relapse or Recovery? I need to figure out if this is indeed a f*cked up way of living and try to make my road to recovery. But I cannot lie, I may very well relapse into this same conundrum. I like the white d*ck. I said it, and admitted it---to if anyone, the internet community. Correction though—I like BIG white d*cks.
How does this then calculate into preference? If someone ask me if I have a racial preference, I ALWAYS say no. I think I need to separate it into components then. I will date anyone, regardless of race. I will ultimately have sex with anyone, regardless of race. I seem to clearly have a preference when it comes to meeting men online for the purposes of having sex or dating though—and that seems to be white men.
I guess it's "LOL :D, handle my black ass well hung white menz, kthnxbai" and ONLY on the internet.
I'm crazy, let's establish that.
