So I received an actual annoying message from someone who thought they'd 'help' me. In all my stubborness and vanity, believe me-- I know when someone is genuinely trying to help me and when they are not.. in real life that is. Via the internet--there is no room for just 'helping' random cyber strangers on your journey to clicking the 'matches' icon-- it just doesn't happen. Therefore, there's no just 'randomly' helping people out on OkCupid- it's is some damn concerted effort, alright? Meaning, when I get messages from people who claim they are trying to 'help' me for my profile....that shit goes in one eyeball and out the other..because it's bullshit.
It is the internet-- if I want/need help-- I know how to ASK for it. I know how to write, motherfuckas. I know what the hell google is. I know I can 'google- how to get a man' and come up with 7 million + results and I'll take cues from ONE of them. Ok? This also means, unrequested/unsolicited 'help' is NOT help in my eyes. It's you being an annoying fuck. Did I ask you? No--no..wait--- did I ASK you for your help-- ? No, I didn't. So what the fuck are you doing and WHY the hell do you care?
When I wrote this profile, it's not like I sat there CLUELESS on what to write. I wrote what I wrote ON PURPOSE, and, unlike most people who write-- I knew why I was writing what I wrote and an idea of who'd it appeal to. I clearly state that it has different layers. Now, on one layer those with the simple un-evolved Neanderthal mind will see it as "hmmm Ms. Ebony Hornball took to writing some hot ass words", BUT the ones who get past that first layer will see that "Ah...LOL... my oh my, this chick is FUNNY...and she knows shock value...and she has wit...what a crisp writer given the content she used". You see, it's the smart/ perceptive person who realizes it's the content + form--- and not just the content. They realize that the profile is just a soundboard for a creative humorous person, and NOT necessarily THE person. Get this-- it's someone who REALIZES that it's a literal profile, meaning one snap/side shot of you where you can spit some of the BEST of what you got via FORM. [ Definition of Profile: Represent in outline from one side] The content is the boring shit you talk about WHEN in person on your 'date'. THOSE are the people I'm checking for. THOSE are the people who mostly write me--and I love it. So guess what? Mission accomplished, bitches.
Now, here is the example of the annoying message I got. Sometimes I write people wanting to be genuine friends. Such was the case here. I wrote a guy saying, "Friends!" or something to that sort, and then he came back saying, " Oh I see your popular..I saw all the awards." I was then like, " Oh, and is that a bad thing lol" and then he was like, " Yea, I'm not feeling them." Then I was like, " Oh well why even respond back." and then he goes, " Well I'm a polite guy and blah blah." Ok- End of convo. or so I thought...
He then comes back with some holier than thou message on how I should maximize my efficiency and quality hunt saying:
Just wanted to let you know, it deters quality guys when you do have so many gifts if you message them because
1) They check you out, hide the face, but most importantly
2) They ask themselves, how many other guys did she message to try to break the ice with? at a minimum the number of awards you have and the maximum would be who knows.
but can we discuss someone not 'liking' you because of your awards? Yes I'm a total slutwhorebitch loser for receiving a quote, (2) Brilliant Profile award, (1) Makes Me Laugh award, (1) Smarter than Average award, (2) Friends in Real Life award, (1) Shroud of Mystery Award, (1) Eye Candy award, and (1), Perfect mix award. I'm rolling in the awards ya'll... So he was sitting there judging moi based on the awards I got--Mind you half of them are from girls who I'm friends with...yea. exactly.
Which I then reply:
WOW, I'm so glad you are such an excellent online profile analyst. What would I do without your years of experience.
Buddy, you are the only person who sat there and even gave a whoot about those awards. Speaking of which, half of them are from girls.
Anyways, makes a great topic for the journal.
wait, secondly-why do you even care. And don't say you don't-- because you messaged me about it.
He then comes back with a (note, I left spelling errors and all):
I dont gain anything from helping people, I just help people, its in my nature. And hey, no problem I am just a nice guy. ITs not the years of experience actually, I have been lucky to be a successful businessman in my youth, as well as who attends a prestigious business academic program, and I know successful males that have their pick of women, and our discussions include how we effeciently use the online methods finding potential dates as well as we effeciently meet women in person whom we see as potential dates. Usually successful, attractive men have a similar thought process and "not wasting our time" is one of our common tendancies. seeing that you were seeking quality men I thought I would give you some pointers. You didnt know men as I know them, as I dont know women as you know them, therefore I knew this would help. Good luck out there!
To which I so eloquently reply:
1. Success is relative.
2. Help is relative in this case also--I did not ask for your 'help'--nor what you are telling me is 'help' either.
3. You honestly cannot speak for 'successful, attractive men' because refer to #1 and let us add that attractive is also relative.
4. What you did not like, 8 x more other males did. Hence why I have a 'red' dot and actual CEOs and OTHER successful businessmen asking me out.
5. I'm not interested in someone who trips over something so trivial as 'awards' on a dating site. I am interested in the people who message/respond to me commending my profile for its humor, wit, and shock value-- which was the entire point. If it just so happened to go above and beyond your head, I suppose that's your problem and not mine.
6. Don't offer people 'help' who never asked for it. You see, if no one asks for it-- as a successful business man, you ought to know that it's a form of 'wasting your time'--and you don't want to do that now, do you? This is clearly not efficient in any sort of way.
*P.S.-- I'm seriously questioning whether you figured out my first initial response was sarcasm or not...
C'mon Son. He should have NOT gone there with me. Does he know me? Fuck no. Do you truly know anyone on this site just based on their profile. Hell. To. The. No. (unless you know them in real life). So what makes YOU think you have some expertise/Authority to offer unsolicited help? No. Just no. And that's why you look like a jackass in the end.
BUT HEY-- if you all are looking for a QUALITY man who's self-righteousness and hypocritical piousness is so pungent that it spills over the okCupid waves..here's his profile:
http://www.okcupid.com/profile/ExecDecision
His name is Jake, he's 22...and he's new to this internet thing....perhaps he needs to fall off his high horse and crack a skull open.
Excuse me while I go finish choking from his smug fumes.
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